Doing Something Hard

I've never put much time into sports.  From the time I was five years old, I was heavily involved in the other side of the extra-curricular spectrum - taking piano lessons, doing dance recitals, singing in the choir, performing in plays, etc. 

I never thought I was all that un-athletic though, because I could still run fast enough to chase the cute boys at recess and I knew enough about general sports to do well in a game.  I even played Parks & Rec volleyball in 6th grade and was one of the best players on my team.

However, during my 7th grade P.E. class, I became very insecure about my athletic abilities.  I soon realized that I wasn't very good at the basic technique of a lot of sports; I didn't have a lot of strength when it came to various exercises like push-ups or high-jumps; and I wasn't the faster runner anymore (especially when it came to the mile run).  But I was never one to be lazy at school.  So, I worked as hard as I could during class, actively participated in all warm-ups and activities, and tried my very hardest on all performance tests.  Though I was working harder than the majority of the students in my class, and putting up with my teacher's snide comments about my less than athletic prowess, I had not improved enough.  Thus, when final grades came, I found I had earned a B for the semester.  Yes, it is my shame - a B in a 7th grade P.E. class.  

#52, first row, fifth from the left

I still tried out for the middle school volleyball team in 8th grade, encouraged by enthusiastic coaches who saw the best in me, and I made first string for the girls' B-team.  I didn't think it was all that bad, seeing as I had only played for one year.  However, after a less than stellar season, and as I progressed into high school, I quit playing for fear of running during practice.  I knew that I wasn't very good at running (my P.E. classes had proved that), and I didn't want to spend my time embarrassing myself.

Ever since then, I have been incredibly insecure about anything athletic, but especially running.  I avoid playing sports where running is required, even for fun.  I never go out jogging with friends because I don't want people to see just how out of shape I am.  And I never, under ANY circumstances, would ever go running with a romantic interest - talk about wanting to crawl under a rock and die!

So what's the point of all this?  K, she doesn't like running...so what?

Well, I've started running...more like jogging interspersed with some walking...but that's improvement and definitely a new start for me.  By the end of six weeks, I plan on being able to run/jog a full 5k.  And this is unheard for me.  Today was the first day of my new six-week program. And I jogged 60 seconds for every 90 seconds of walking, and I did this for over 20 minutes.  Matt (my 17 year-old, very athletic brother) even supported me today, doing my exercise with me, so that I could have a friend to start out with.  And though this first day may not seem particularly strenuous to some of you, I did it.  And that's more than what I could say about yesterday.  Today I had a small victory.

So why the sudden change? (Now, this is the important part.)

I've been feeling really down about myself lately.  After a hard break-up with a guy I really loved, I don't believe I'm very valuable.  I don't think I'm desirable, and I have been in a relatively constant fog of depression for about two months.  And I'm SICK of feeling that way!!  So, I've decided that I'm going to work on my weaknesses and improve myself.  I want a small victory every day.  I want to act on this stupid funk and get myself out of it.  And I think that by doing something hard (even if it is easy for most people) and overcoming my embarrassment about running and actually conquering a fear/insecurity/weakness, I can prove to myself that I am valuable again.  And that gives me hope.

So, here's to doing something hard so that I can finally rejoice again!