It Gets Easier

Day 2 with Travis

Well, my plan is working!  I have finished one week of my exercise regimen, and this whole jogging thing is getting a little easier for me.  The first couple of days were incredibly exhausting.  I would finish my 20-30 minutes of jogging/walking and then want to take a good long nap afterward.  However, today I was so energized by how much easier it was to run.  I didn't feel like the fluid in my lungs was trying to kill me, I wasn't panting for dear life at the end of my jogging increments, and I was actually surprised when my exercise time was up...it didn't feel that long today.  Woo-hoo!!!  I'm making progress!!!

In just the one week since I've started this whole running thing, I've also found other ways to improve my happiness.  I finally said a complete goodbye to my ex-boyfriend - no Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, calling, or anything else between us!  For the last couple of weeks, I had been taking a careful inventory of my emotions, and I noticed they were never very positive after he and I would contact each other.  So, I rid myself of a negative influence, and though it was definitely painful at first, I've been amazed at how much more I have felt like myself this week.  Yay for another small (but actually huge) victory!

In addition to saying goodbye to the negative, I've also said hello to the positive.  I've been making it a goal to serve at least one person every day.  Whether that's grabbing a Frosty on the way home for my mom, making new friends with people that sit by themselves at church, or picking my brother up from work to save my parents the trip, I've felt incredibly productive and important when I do something for someone else.  Who knew that even small, everyday acts of service could improve my happiness?

Some post Father's Day bonding

I've also seen some incredible support in just the past several days.  I'm grateful for encouraging texts from my sister Pamela each morning, cheerfully telling me to get my butt out of bed and out the door to run (she's also been a great resource for my exercising questions and concerns).  I'm grateful for my exercise partners, Matthew, Travis, and Dad, who come jogging/walking with me and have been so positive in my new endeavors.  I'm grateful for people who have given me something to shoot for, like Catherine (my sister-in-law) suggesting we go running when she comes out to visit in a month as well as my dad encouraging me to run the BYU Homecoming 5k in October.  I'm grateful for my sister Nicole who lets me know that she thinks the world of me and who is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  I'm grateful for my best friend Keahna with whom I feel comfortable sharing all of my insecurities, whether they be about running, school, or boys.  And I'm grateful for a mother that is in-tune with the Spirit enough to offer scriptures, quotes, personal stories and advice on a daily basis to help me work through my feelings and help me see things from a new perspective.

So there it is.  I've been feeling happy again.  Obviously it's a constant, everyday, uphill battle.  But hopefully it's also obvious that I'm fighting that battle..and today I feel like I am winning.  Today I can see my victories.  Today I am rejoicing.

Doing Something Hard

I've never put much time into sports.  From the time I was five years old, I was heavily involved in the other side of the extra-curricular spectrum - taking piano lessons, doing dance recitals, singing in the choir, performing in plays, etc. 

I never thought I was all that un-athletic though, because I could still run fast enough to chase the cute boys at recess and I knew enough about general sports to do well in a game.  I even played Parks & Rec volleyball in 6th grade and was one of the best players on my team.

However, during my 7th grade P.E. class, I became very insecure about my athletic abilities.  I soon realized that I wasn't very good at the basic technique of a lot of sports; I didn't have a lot of strength when it came to various exercises like push-ups or high-jumps; and I wasn't the faster runner anymore (especially when it came to the mile run).  But I was never one to be lazy at school.  So, I worked as hard as I could during class, actively participated in all warm-ups and activities, and tried my very hardest on all performance tests.  Though I was working harder than the majority of the students in my class, and putting up with my teacher's snide comments about my less than athletic prowess, I had not improved enough.  Thus, when final grades came, I found I had earned a B for the semester.  Yes, it is my shame - a B in a 7th grade P.E. class.  

#52, first row, fifth from the left

I still tried out for the middle school volleyball team in 8th grade, encouraged by enthusiastic coaches who saw the best in me, and I made first string for the girls' B-team.  I didn't think it was all that bad, seeing as I had only played for one year.  However, after a less than stellar season, and as I progressed into high school, I quit playing for fear of running during practice.  I knew that I wasn't very good at running (my P.E. classes had proved that), and I didn't want to spend my time embarrassing myself.

Ever since then, I have been incredibly insecure about anything athletic, but especially running.  I avoid playing sports where running is required, even for fun.  I never go out jogging with friends because I don't want people to see just how out of shape I am.  And I never, under ANY circumstances, would ever go running with a romantic interest - talk about wanting to crawl under a rock and die!

So what's the point of all this?  K, she doesn't like running...so what?

Well, I've started running...more like jogging interspersed with some walking...but that's improvement and definitely a new start for me.  By the end of six weeks, I plan on being able to run/jog a full 5k.  And this is unheard for me.  Today was the first day of my new six-week program. And I jogged 60 seconds for every 90 seconds of walking, and I did this for over 20 minutes.  Matt (my 17 year-old, very athletic brother) even supported me today, doing my exercise with me, so that I could have a friend to start out with.  And though this first day may not seem particularly strenuous to some of you, I did it.  And that's more than what I could say about yesterday.  Today I had a small victory.

So why the sudden change? (Now, this is the important part.)

I've been feeling really down about myself lately.  After a hard break-up with a guy I really loved, I don't believe I'm very valuable.  I don't think I'm desirable, and I have been in a relatively constant fog of depression for about two months.  And I'm SICK of feeling that way!!  So, I've decided that I'm going to work on my weaknesses and improve myself.  I want a small victory every day.  I want to act on this stupid funk and get myself out of it.  And I think that by doing something hard (even if it is easy for most people) and overcoming my embarrassment about running and actually conquering a fear/insecurity/weakness, I can prove to myself that I am valuable again.  And that gives me hope.

So, here's to doing something hard so that I can finally rejoice again!

A "Frozen" Car Ride Home

My nieces and nephews are over for the weekend, and I have loved being able to spend time with them.  We've wrestled, watched movies, painted fingernails, played at the park, had slumber parties, and just now we screamed the Frozen soundtrack on our way home from ice cream.  So let me tell you why I'm so touched by this most recent experience:

First, I was impressed by my sister.  Pam has a divine love for her children, and this is conveyed through her extraordinary ability to really play and interact with her kids.  While playing "Taboo" last night, she used quotes from Disney movies to help explain the word on the card, showing that she not only colors, bakes, reads, builds with blocks, and plays games with her children, but she also takes the 2+ hours to watch their movies with them.  And the fact that she had the Frozen soundtrack in her car, and that she was able to sing every word along with me and her four kids, is evidence of this fact.  Pam was like one of the kids, screaming at the top of her lungs, rolling down the windows, opening the sun roof, and playing the songs over again so we could belt it one more time.  I was touched by her ability to "Let It Go" and enjoy a simple, but unforgettable ride home.

And I was also impressed by the pure joy and exhilaration we all felt from doing something so random and fun.  We were crazy and wild and impervious to the norms of society, which told us that screaming "Love Is An Open Door" in the car was somewhat strange and unnecessary.  We were thrilled when we turned a corner and saw a man on the sidewalk who quickly became our newest audience member.  And we were even more excited to get home and watch the videos we had taken to relive the recent fun.  I was touched by our ability to have good, clean, wholesome fun with nothing more than a CD, six enthusiastic singers, and a video camera on just a normal summer night.

I rejoice in my family.  And I am grateful for the simple things that make all the difference. 

A Sister's Pride

My first few entries have been about the spiritual joys I've experienced lately.  But I also have other sources of happiness in my life that I want to share...one such source is my relationship with my younger brother, Matt.

For those of you not familiar with my personal life, Matt and I have been best friends since we were little kids.  Obviously we've still had little tiffs, like the time I almost drowned him during swimming lessons, or the time he chucked a half full water bottle at my face and therefore created a permanent bump on my nose, that was then gushing blood.  But those are just the little things.  There are millions of fond memories between him and me that don't involve us killing each other: swing dancing together for my final in my 9th grade P.E. class, getting in touch with our inner cavemen and hunting crabs with toy sand buckets and seaweed along the rocks at the beach, making up scary stories on the computer with some of our friends, shouting things in a made-up language out my bedroom window (somehow convincing a neighborhood kid that we were going to call the police on him), and making snowmen made of ice so that the juvenile delinquents that lived next to us would stub their toes when they tried to kick down our beautiful creations.

Honestly, I could go on and on about the common experiences and inside jokes and funny memories that Matt and I share.  But one that stood out to me recently was going back home to watch him in the school play.  Our high school was doing Shrek the Musical, and Matt landed the understudy to Shrek, even with him being only a sophomore.  And having been involved with the high school theater department myself, I knew what a big deal this was for Matt, not only getting to perform as Shrek on a few nights of the performance, but also the hard work that he would have to put into the show beforehand.  And being understudy meant that his learning of the blocking and lines and songs would all be secondary compared to the lead learning everything...which would explain why Matt only had one run-through of the whole show as Shrek before he had to perform.

But come show night, there was no possible way you could tell that Matt was the understudy.  He came out onto that stage with all the confidence in the world, getting all of the blocking and the lines, enunciating and speaking clearly so that jokes became all the more funny, and hitting all the notes in the songs he had to sing.  His chemistry with Fiona was flawless, his scenes with Donkey were a hoot, and not to mention, he had a Scottish accent that could have put Mike Meyers to shame.  

Sitting in the audience and watching Matthew shine was one of the purely joyful moments of my life.

I know that sounds a little cliche.  But when you care so much about another individual, and you see him excelling at something he worked his butt off for, you can't really help but feel joy and love and ultimately pride for him.  Matt opened the show with his first song, and I was almost in tears.  He had done something hard, and he had done it well.  In fact, people came up to me after the show, commenting on how great Matt had done, and instead of politely saying "thank you" or "that would mean so much to him" in response to their compliments, I simply said, "I know."  Yep, I know he was awesome.  Yep, I know he sang great.  Yep, I know he deserved every second he was on that stage.  Yep, that's Matt for you.  If he wants something, he'll get it...and he earned the respect of every single spectator in that audience that night.

Pretty much what I'm getting at is that this is my small tribute to my little brother.  I know we go through life with crappy days and stressful moments, and we can worry about everything.  But when I'm with Matt, all that stress and worry kind of takes the background to his funny jokes and our hideous dancing and our heart-to-heart conversations.  I'm always proud of this kid...whether he got the understudy or the lead, whether he's feeling inadequate in life or he won't shut up about how great he is, whether he chucks a water bottle at me or I try to drown him, or whether he has paint on his face from his ogre mask or he looks somewhat normal in pictures.  I love my little brother.  And I'm thankful that he has brought me an immense amount of joy in my crazy, hectic life.

I love you, Matt.

Through His Grace We Are Saved

I love this scripture:

"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our bretheren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23).

This past month and a half I've been making a conscious effort to put God first in my life, and in doing so, I've become more aware of His influence in the small things around me and inside me.  I love this scripture because it tells us that God's influence is what saves us.  Nephi says that even after all we can do, it is only through Christ's grace that we are saved.  And that is powerful!  Brad Wilcox, a teacher at my university, gave a devotional about Christ's grace, saying that "the Lord does not make up the difference; He makes all the difference."  And I'm so happy that he does.  Christ doesn't meet you close to the finish line of the race of life, carrying you the distance that you were just too weak to make.  He walks with you the whole way; He encourages you; He loves you; and He is the one who makes all the difference in our lives.

Just a short story that relates:

A few members of my family ran a 5k for a Homecoming Race at BYU several years ago.  During the kids' run, my mom happened to witness a boy running to the finish line with his father jogging beside him in the grass by the track.  The boy was exhausted and seemed to just want to be done with the whole thing.  But the father was shouting encouragement at him as the boy ran his race.  "The ground is hot, son.  The ground is hot.  Keep on running.  Keep on going.  Remember, the ground is hot."  As my mom shared this story, I not only realized that "the ground is hot" was encouragement used to motivate the boy to pick up his feet and keep running so he wouldn't touch the "hot" ground, but that the father seemed to be even more excited than the boy about the race.  And I feel like that is similar to our relationship with our Father in Heaven.  I know there are times in my life where I'm like the little boy, just wanting my race to be over so I can rest.  But I believe that God is beside us the whole way, ecstatic about our progress, ever-caring and ever-present, and a comforting, strengthening companion who is involved in our personal struggles and triumphs through the whole thing.

I am grateful that it is through His grace that we are saved.  And I am thankful that I can feel the power of His grace from the start of my mortal race all the way to the end.

Go Forth With Faith

For many years I have struggled with the concept of God's love for me.  I have heard since I was a little girl that God loves us even more than our parents do with a perfect, infinite love.  I thought that was all fine and dandy.  But then how come I couldn't feel that?  Sure, I could see His love for other people - I mean, who couldn't love my family or my friends or the rest of the people in the world for that matter?  But how could I feel in my heart that He loved me?

So, today I had the choice to go to a Stake Conference session.  In my church, a Stake is just a large congregation made up of smaller congregations called "Wards."  In these types of conferences, we go to hear talks from our peers and our leaders who encourage us to continue faithfully in our mortal journey towards God.  Generally, Stake Conference has a session on Saturday night and then another session Sunday morning.  This Saturday session of conference however, was not in the evening but at 10:30 this morning...on a Saturday...the only day that I could have slept in this whole week.  Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but I like my sleep.  And the thought of getting up at 9:30 to go to an extra church meeting on a Saturday morning just did not sit well with me.  But in spirit of my recent goal to put God first in my life, I made the trek up to campus in my dress and boots in the cold rain and attended the meeting.

And I am so glad I did.

The speakers in this session of conference were enthusiastic and happy about bettering themselves in the name of the Lord; they encouraged the congregation to share the joy of the Atonement and Salvation with the rest of the world; they talked of personal experiences where they had seen hearts touched and lives blessed by God's Holy Spirit; and one speaker in particular spoke of rare, personal experiences where he had felt God's infinite love.

At this portion of his talk, my concentration deepened.  This was exactly my question.  How come these sacred, personal experiences of feeling God's love were rare?  I have regularly felt the warm contentedness of trying to live righteously...but the overpowering, humbling, and euphoric moments where I feel God is proud of me and truly, deeply loves me have been fewer and farther between.

My leader continued speaking.  He said that at many times this dilemma had confused him, and he wanted to feel these powerful expressions of love more often.  But, in pondering this dilemma, my Stake leader realized that these rare, precious moments that he experienced were enough to encourage him to stay the course and become a better disciple of Christ.

I was amazed at the humility of this man.  Here I was, resentful that I couldn't have these intimate connections with God all the time, and this man was simply grateful to feel God's abounding love in the first place.  Instead of needing constant heavenly confirmation, this man was content with the personal miracles he had already witnessed and continued on the road of discipleship.

And at this point in the meeting, I was starting to witness a miracle as well.

In my incredulity, I could feel the walls of my pride coming down.  At this moment, I became teachable and humble enough for me to learn from the Holy Spirit.  And here was the lesson: You don't need to have constant affirmation from the Lord to be happy in His work.  Faith is pursuing His course without a perfect knowledge of what is going to happen next.  Faith is relying on God to make up for the things that you don't know, and that is all the more powerful than following God only because it's logical.  You can't feel the miracles of faith without taking a step into the unknown.

As I was realizing the truthfulness of these statements, I became excited to show my faith for the Lord.  I had a renewed hope for the brightness of my future, and I understood that this lesson was a miracle answer to my question.  The rarity of the experiences where I feel God's infinite, overpowering love gives me the opportunity to press forward in my mortal journey with faith.  God is giving me a present each time I have a question or a doubt, because He is giving me a chance to prove my loyalty to Him without a sure knowledge of His way.  I realized, I have to practice faith in order to have my faith in God grow.

So, as the meeting ended and the congregation walked their separate ways, I was left joyfully pondering the mercies and miracles of God, excited about my new realizations and humbled by the personal experience I had had in the meeting.  I had a new found determination to obey God in faith.

And the crazy part was...I might have slept in and missed it all!