It Gets Easier

Day 2 with Travis

Well, my plan is working!  I have finished one week of my exercise regimen, and this whole jogging thing is getting a little easier for me.  The first couple of days were incredibly exhausting.  I would finish my 20-30 minutes of jogging/walking and then want to take a good long nap afterward.  However, today I was so energized by how much easier it was to run.  I didn't feel like the fluid in my lungs was trying to kill me, I wasn't panting for dear life at the end of my jogging increments, and I was actually surprised when my exercise time was up...it didn't feel that long today.  Woo-hoo!!!  I'm making progress!!!

In just the one week since I've started this whole running thing, I've also found other ways to improve my happiness.  I finally said a complete goodbye to my ex-boyfriend - no Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, calling, or anything else between us!  For the last couple of weeks, I had been taking a careful inventory of my emotions, and I noticed they were never very positive after he and I would contact each other.  So, I rid myself of a negative influence, and though it was definitely painful at first, I've been amazed at how much more I have felt like myself this week.  Yay for another small (but actually huge) victory!

In addition to saying goodbye to the negative, I've also said hello to the positive.  I've been making it a goal to serve at least one person every day.  Whether that's grabbing a Frosty on the way home for my mom, making new friends with people that sit by themselves at church, or picking my brother up from work to save my parents the trip, I've felt incredibly productive and important when I do something for someone else.  Who knew that even small, everyday acts of service could improve my happiness?

Some post Father's Day bonding

I've also seen some incredible support in just the past several days.  I'm grateful for encouraging texts from my sister Pamela each morning, cheerfully telling me to get my butt out of bed and out the door to run (she's also been a great resource for my exercising questions and concerns).  I'm grateful for my exercise partners, Matthew, Travis, and Dad, who come jogging/walking with me and have been so positive in my new endeavors.  I'm grateful for people who have given me something to shoot for, like Catherine (my sister-in-law) suggesting we go running when she comes out to visit in a month as well as my dad encouraging me to run the BYU Homecoming 5k in October.  I'm grateful for my sister Nicole who lets me know that she thinks the world of me and who is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  I'm grateful for my best friend Keahna with whom I feel comfortable sharing all of my insecurities, whether they be about running, school, or boys.  And I'm grateful for a mother that is in-tune with the Spirit enough to offer scriptures, quotes, personal stories and advice on a daily basis to help me work through my feelings and help me see things from a new perspective.

So there it is.  I've been feeling happy again.  Obviously it's a constant, everyday, uphill battle.  But hopefully it's also obvious that I'm fighting that battle..and today I feel like I am winning.  Today I can see my victories.  Today I am rejoicing.

Doing Something Hard

I've never put much time into sports.  From the time I was five years old, I was heavily involved in the other side of the extra-curricular spectrum - taking piano lessons, doing dance recitals, singing in the choir, performing in plays, etc. 

I never thought I was all that un-athletic though, because I could still run fast enough to chase the cute boys at recess and I knew enough about general sports to do well in a game.  I even played Parks & Rec volleyball in 6th grade and was one of the best players on my team.

However, during my 7th grade P.E. class, I became very insecure about my athletic abilities.  I soon realized that I wasn't very good at the basic technique of a lot of sports; I didn't have a lot of strength when it came to various exercises like push-ups or high-jumps; and I wasn't the faster runner anymore (especially when it came to the mile run).  But I was never one to be lazy at school.  So, I worked as hard as I could during class, actively participated in all warm-ups and activities, and tried my very hardest on all performance tests.  Though I was working harder than the majority of the students in my class, and putting up with my teacher's snide comments about my less than athletic prowess, I had not improved enough.  Thus, when final grades came, I found I had earned a B for the semester.  Yes, it is my shame - a B in a 7th grade P.E. class.  

#52, first row, fifth from the left

I still tried out for the middle school volleyball team in 8th grade, encouraged by enthusiastic coaches who saw the best in me, and I made first string for the girls' B-team.  I didn't think it was all that bad, seeing as I had only played for one year.  However, after a less than stellar season, and as I progressed into high school, I quit playing for fear of running during practice.  I knew that I wasn't very good at running (my P.E. classes had proved that), and I didn't want to spend my time embarrassing myself.

Ever since then, I have been incredibly insecure about anything athletic, but especially running.  I avoid playing sports where running is required, even for fun.  I never go out jogging with friends because I don't want people to see just how out of shape I am.  And I never, under ANY circumstances, would ever go running with a romantic interest - talk about wanting to crawl under a rock and die!

So what's the point of all this?  K, she doesn't like running...so what?

Well, I've started running...more like jogging interspersed with some walking...but that's improvement and definitely a new start for me.  By the end of six weeks, I plan on being able to run/jog a full 5k.  And this is unheard for me.  Today was the first day of my new six-week program. And I jogged 60 seconds for every 90 seconds of walking, and I did this for over 20 minutes.  Matt (my 17 year-old, very athletic brother) even supported me today, doing my exercise with me, so that I could have a friend to start out with.  And though this first day may not seem particularly strenuous to some of you, I did it.  And that's more than what I could say about yesterday.  Today I had a small victory.

So why the sudden change? (Now, this is the important part.)

I've been feeling really down about myself lately.  After a hard break-up with a guy I really loved, I don't believe I'm very valuable.  I don't think I'm desirable, and I have been in a relatively constant fog of depression for about two months.  And I'm SICK of feeling that way!!  So, I've decided that I'm going to work on my weaknesses and improve myself.  I want a small victory every day.  I want to act on this stupid funk and get myself out of it.  And I think that by doing something hard (even if it is easy for most people) and overcoming my embarrassment about running and actually conquering a fear/insecurity/weakness, I can prove to myself that I am valuable again.  And that gives me hope.

So, here's to doing something hard so that I can finally rejoice again!